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Old 5th February 2008, 04:47
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Default Freakzilla's Joke Thread

Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine: it was the crowd. What the hell is a pi

############################################################
MOD NOTE: this thread is both awesome and huge so has been split into two threads with this part being closed and continued in the new Freakzilla's Joke Thread II
Last edited by smallwoodenruler; 19th August 2014 at 01:21. Reason: Mod Note: rationale for closing thread
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:48
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> The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
> signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
> Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."
>
> 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
>
> 2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay
>
> 3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
>
> 4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the
> way - Is a virgin
>
> 5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
>
> 6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif -
> Compulsive Don Quixote
>
> 7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant -
> Compulsive Don Juan
>
> 8. Insisto on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
>
> 9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
>
> 10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
>
> 11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
>
> 12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but
> will not go "all the way"
>
> 13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful
> gymnastics in bed
>
> 14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's
> not, will get pregnant and sue
>
> 15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
> have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
>
> 16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
>
> 17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
>
> 18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
>
> 19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
>
> 20. Insists on having some of whatever you orderded - Will make you sleep
> on the wet spot
>
> 21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
>
> 22. Changes tables - Nyphomaniac
>
> 23. Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
>
> 24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
>
> 25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then
> try to borrow money
>
> 26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty
> during sex
>
> 27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
>
> 28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
>
> 29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move
> in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your
> baseball posters
>
> 30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
>
> 31. Undertips waiter - Small penis
>
> 32. Undertips parking valet - Small penis
>
> 33. Undertips cabbie - Small penis
>
> 34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
>
> 35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
>
> 36. Cellular phone in car - Penile inplant
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:49
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Default

A guy had an interesting experience recently
involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62.
She was drinking quite a bit and,
while they were chatting,
she came right out and asked him
if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double"
- a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him
into it. So she slams back one last drink,
wipes her mouth and, looking directly into
his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the
hall light right as they enter her place, and she
shouts upstairs:


"Mom! You still awake?"
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:49
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Default

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough,
the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins
snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps
soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in fro nt of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and
as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
"I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first
and second place!
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:50
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Default

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:50
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Default

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes round the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 9 mm, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look p oor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answ er:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BAN! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ...
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:51
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Default

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

One mouse orders a large scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two tumblers of Jim Beam, slurps them down in quick succession, slamming each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The macho mice then turn to the third mouse, Butch, to see what he has to say about it. Butch lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this crap. I've gotta go home and screw the cat."
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:52
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THE HEADACHE

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was
climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a
headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository,
it's up to you."
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:52
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Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day.

He was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
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Old 5th February 2008, 04:53
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Default

A biker walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance
then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date
running late?"

"No," he replies. "I just got this state-of
the-art watch, and I was testing it."


The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special about it?"

The biker explains, "It uses alpha waves to
talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"It says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies 'Well, it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!"

The biker taps his watch a couple times,
looks at it again, and then smiles and says,
"The damn thing's an hour fast."
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