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Old 25th August 2012, 06:43
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A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty F'N cool."
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Old 25th August 2012, 08:56
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glad to see others posting in this thread
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Old 26th August 2012, 00:37
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Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Old 26th August 2012, 01:14
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and
says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties
them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains
Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover
that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
"What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that
the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back
to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets
him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Old 26th August 2012, 08:08
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A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, Sir, I have some good news and some bad news."
"The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of t...he buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad" the hunter replies. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes."
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Old 26th August 2012, 09:00
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Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
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Old 26th August 2012, 21:53
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps
we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few
inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What
the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he
shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my
underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
Guys just never seem to learn, do not piss off the woman!
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Old 27th August 2012, 01:42
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A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "OK, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
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Old 27th August 2012, 04:19
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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Old 27th August 2012, 05:21
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A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took
one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the
window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so
he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
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